Tuesday, May 7, 2013
It's day 7 of Jenni's challenge and looking back I think I may have used some of the things for this post, things we are afraid of, in the post for things that make me uncomfortable.
I think I kind of suck at being afraid of things because the things that scare me the most are things that are ultimately unavoidable. They also aren't very tangible and therefore harder fears to destroy. I love a scary movie. I will scream as everything and love each scary moment at the same time. I sometimes scream in kids movies (yes, I have been laughed at). However, I know that after I scream the fear is gone; the scene changes. I know that the movie is just a movie and I pretty much know walking into it what to expect (duh, I done seen the trailer). What scares me the most are those unseen things; the "demons" that hide in the clear light of day.
I fear change and I fear the unknown. I like knowing what to expect. I fear loss; of any kind really. Death is, for me, the hardest form of loss; at least in earthly terms it's permanent. I would like to think if I was more prepared for it I wouldn't fear it so much but I was somewhat prepared for my Mimi's passing and that rocked me in a way that I have never been rocked before. Loss outside of death scares me too though. I fear losing friends. I fear not having those relationships that I care so much about. I fear that changes in lifestyle, in growing up, in timing will create valleys and trenches between me and the people I love. I know that this is irrational. I know that if the relationships are really as strong as I trust they are it won't matter. I fear it anyways. I fear loss even when it is something (or someone) I should probably let go of anyways. I still have no logical explanation for this and I am working on letting it go. I fear letting things go, giving over control and letting someone else take the wheel.
Sometimes, I fear myself. This was a tough thing to learn. I fear the things I sometimes want (the above quote is one that I found not long ago that spoke to me on so many levels). I fear my strength and my own ability to keep the people I love safe. I fear the ability within myself to keep my life happy. I believe that we are each given what we need to embrace our lives and make them happy ones. That belief scares me because in the end, if I mess everything up with choosing one path over another, I have no one to blame but myself. At the same time I don't think I would have it any other way. It is like driving in a car on an icy mountain road in the middle of a blizzard (yes, this Florida girl has done that... once). I would much rather be the one in the drivers seat because if I die, I am going to be the one to take me out. I think I fear placing my life in someone else's hands. This may go back to why I fear loss. If I have put stake in someone to the point that losing them would cause me great pain, then I have given them a part of myself, a part of my life. I fear that in losing them I not only lose the relationship but I lose a part of me, as if somehow piece by piece I will be left with nothing but the shell of the person I once was. I ultimately know this is untrue. I know that I can be myself on the other side of loss, that I can overcome fear; but in moments I am utterly terrified of these things, of myself and of my inability to control them.