Help, I'm Living with my Husband!

Why does it feel to me that the topics for this challenge seem to fall on just the right - or wrong - day depending on the way you look at it?! This is going up a little later today because 1.) when my mom called to see if I wanted to do lunch I jumped at it in order to get away from the blank screen I was staring at trying to figure out a way to put my thoughts into words and 2.) after said lunch I walked through the aisles at Barnes and Noble and ran my hands along pretty new books because I needed some soul soothing. Now that my must read list has grown significantly and my brain is more focused (even if only slightly) I will try to share something I am struggling with.

*I apologize in advance if my thoughts seem jumbled and my words all over the place.  Change (even good) has a way of putting tightening hands around my brain and throat making both thinking and breathing just a tad bit harder. 

I am struggling with the thought of learning relearning how to live alone with my husband.  I am struggling with the fact that my life is changing. This change is a good thing; logically I know this, irrationally I just want to resume the craziness I have been living in and swim in it.  I hate change so much that I can hold onto chaos and craziness like it is a lifeline that will keep my head above water.  I am learning that it goes hand-in-hand with a chaos I lived in during my formative years, but that's a different story.

My brother-in-law has lived with us, for pretty much, going on two years now.  We have had some great times, we have had some rough times, and we have had some of that just living life stuff. We kind of had a Harry, Ron and Hermione thing going, except sometimes I think I was Harry and the two of them were Ron and Hermione (it's a strange brotherly bromance thing; I embrace that). However, this has meant that for two years I have had an extra body around to talk to.  I have had another person around to play off Andrew's grumpiness when it comes to school work. It has been a three person household and I had gotten used to it.

I now go back to what Andrew and I were pre-roomate and that has been so long ago now that I can't even remember.  I know it was calmer, I know it was more consistent, and I know it was more grounded but this craziness has become such a part of my life that I don't know what to do with it gone.  You see Oliver is a lot more like me (which also means we can butt heads easier) than Babe is.  I am not sure how I found him but I think Andrew has to be one of the only non-crazy souls left on earth! I truly believe we all have some amount of "cray" in us, yet Babes is very hard to find.  His motto? "I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in my belly so all is right in the world." What I wouldn't give to have that mentality and not worry over every little thing that life throws my way (I'm trying).  I have this way of living life either in the clouds or five feet under water.  Right now I feel like I am constantly moving between the two and have no solid place to rest my thoughts.

I know that having my husband and my household back to "normal" is good.  I know that we need to get on with the life we had envisioned (whatever that was) and that it is good that Oliver will be living his life out on his own as well.  Yet I can't help but feel this sense of loss, even if it is just a loss of craziness (trust me when I tell you that these last two years have seen their moments).  How do I begin to go back to "grocery-shopping-date-nights" and quite rooms? I guess it's all an adjustment process from here and I am sure that in the end I will look back at this and be thankful but right now the unknown road ahead just kind of makes me cringe.

Reading this back over I can't help but feel a little foolish.  This shouldn't be that difficult.  It just all came on so fast.  We were originally planning for August (after having originally planned for the first of next year) when all of a sudden it was this weekend.  Rapid change really has a way of throwing me for a loop! On Wednesday when we found out it would be this weekend, I was like "hey I got this" and then last night after helping Oliver unpack in his new place and coming home to his empty spot in the driveway I realized "Holy smokes, everything is different.  I am alone with my husband! Good gracious what the heck am I going to do?!" Yes, please feel free to laugh at the absurdity of that.

I am not really even sure how to end this post because when my life seems to be looking at what I assume to be an endless period of change I can go on and on and on... as if by continuing to "talk" my world will continue to stay as it had. So, I think I will leave you with this; if you finished this 'long-winded, you-have-no-clue-why-this-lady-is-so-freaked-about-living-with-her-husband' post then I applaud and thank you! And because I am feeling nostalgic enjoy some pics from one of those greater moments together (ski trip to Colorado in January of 2012).

Love Me Some Ladies

Had day 19 of the challenge fallen on day two when I was still a very new blog-owner-virgin my list may have been a little different. My love for this greatness has grown immensely and I am blessed with all the new found blogs I am enjoying.

My entrance into the world of blogging started out in a little way, with a pretty big blog (though I didn't realize how big she was until later).  I started reading The Pioneer Woman back when I had some down moments at work.  I am not sure how I found her but I loved her instantly! It may have been early blogger romance or the fact that I like to live somewhat vicariously through people.  A huge bucket list, pipe-dream of mine is to turn Babe into a cowboy and move out to the middle of nowhere and live on a ranch feeding chickens and raising babies "away from it all".
Ree is a city turned country girl (whose above man hunk rides a horse, 'nuf said) and lives on a huge working cattle ranch way out yonder. Now she has a show on the Food Network and books galore.  I only stop by once a week now but still love her for, among other things, what she opened my eyes to... Blogging. 

Somewhere along my searching for other blogs I found Fairy Tales are True!

The title jumped out at me in an "Oh, really? This thing I am in is nothing like they told me it would be growing up." But Sarah's definition and words and beautiful pictures quickly showed me that it is all a matter of perspective.  The way she embraced life (even the though moments) helped me realize that our "fairy tales" are what we make them. I did a little more vicarious living here as she was an ex-pat when I first started following.  I was thinking "girlfriend, you got guts" but her story and the pictures (oh the pictures) made this weary international traveler almost want to pack her bags and say "hey I think I could move over there, Babe let's go".  Now she is back in the US of A and I still find myself living somewhat vicariously watching her hubs bring her breakfast in bed while her gorgeous little man sits cuddled in her arms. She is still a blog I read daily and also how I think I found this girl...

Jenni, whose gushing on you can read here, quickly became my go to gal! Sometimes you live vicariously through another's stories and then sometimes you find one that just seems to fit your soul.  The girl speaks to me! End of story.

I also frequent Carolina Charm because 1.) I went to high school with her and it is kind of fun to see where people end up and 2.) she is another blogger that is a lot of things I am not.  She is organized, her house stylish and immaculate and she has great projects like this one and this one.

Someday I will make this book wreath but mine will include pages from Harry Potter (yes I am going to deface him but it is for a good cause and I have been collecting torn copies from thrift stores). 

Since this challenge though I have found other greatness to love on!

Shay is becoming a true 'head-over-heels, I'm-in-blogger-love' read! I am loving the beauty in her writing. Sharing her story and her journey is a gift that she willingly opens to us.  It draws me in and there are so many times that I read a post and come away with chills.

I am also loving Ashley at Piloting Life.

The changes that go along with her lifestyle and the hubs job are enough to give me the willies but she is embracing the moments as they come. I love her insights and am growing quite fond of her.  And dude?! She saw a whale off Florida's east coast.  I have practically grown up over there and never in all my years seen such a sight! Jealous! 

Ok, so that's six and I feel like this list could go on and on but what can I say?! I am me; I am indecisive and I can gush about people I am loving until I am blue in the face.  Hoping you have a wonderful end to your weekend! Any greatness come your way these last few days? Even just a little great relaxation? That's what I took part in! 

Disney Dreams and Runaways

It's Day 18 and we are to share a vivid childhood memory.  There are quite a few I can think of and for the most part they are good and blissful and filled with childhood wonder.  The following story is in no way a direct reflection of any of that.  Instead you will read a tale of a runway, an interstate, and the police.  You have been warned! And no the reason for running away had nothing to do with the fact that my mother decided to dress me as her twin in the above picture. Bless the dear daughter that I will probably end up doing the same to as some point in time.

This is a story that has been told time and time again.  By me, by my parents, by pretty much anyone who has heard it to anyone who hasn't.  The story has not changed once in all it's many years.  It needs no embellishment.  You see as a young child I had a flair for the dramatic.  I tended to run away on occasion when I felt as if my poor soul had been violated.  This is the beginning of all of that (or at least the beginning of me running away to some place outside the neighborhood).

The scene starts like this: I was right around 8 years old.  I had this neat bicycle with pink and purple glitter writing.  My older sister was staying with us for the weekend (she lived with her mom during the week) and I idolized her.  I can't remember everything leading up to it but she called me a rat or something of the sort and I thought that she liked my friend more than me (because my friend was just kind of cooler and a lot more like my sister) and so I was upset.  I got on my bike and decided that I was moving to Disney.  I knew the general direction and so off I set.  Me, my 8 year old self, and my bicycle.

En route to Disney I passed a neighbor as I was leaving the neighborhood and told him where I was headed.  He seemed to have no intention of stopping me as he assumed - I'm sure - that I was just some kid playing pretend.  Crisis averted, it was meant to be that I should live at Disney.  I took the long way around (by mistake) because I went down a one way exit from the airport going to opposite direction (yup, riding against the flow of traffic).  After about an hour I finally arrived at the Bee Line (now called the Beach Line) that takes you towards the beaches or Disney (even at 8 I knew how to make my way to the land of magic and happiness).  However, the Bee Line is a toll road highway.  I 1.) did not have change to pay the toll and 2.) did not know if they would allow me to pass through on my bike.  So, as any 8 year old would do, I stopped my bike on the side of the highway to try to figure out how I would solve this problem.

As my young brain is processing this dilemma, the following occurred.  My mom has realized I am missing and called the police.  An off duty cop who was taking his step-son home saw a young kid on the side of a highway and thought, "hmmm, maybe I should see what is going on." Said cop (really nice guy), in his uniform, pulls over and comes to talk to me.  He asks me what I am doing.  Oh man, now I have to process quickly.  So I tell him that I am just out for a bike ride and I live in the apartments that are right off the entrance to the highway (good gracious was I stubborn and persistent; I just freaking lied to the Popo).  He says that I should not be on the highway and to wait where I was.  This side of the story I know from my mother.  Cop gets on his cop radio and calls into dispatch, who is still on the phone with my mom, he relays that there is a young girl on the highway at least an hours bike ride from our house (my mom didn't know I had been gone so long). The dispatcher tells this information to my mom who answers "oh there is no way that could be her." She was wrong! After a detailed description of the child and the bike my mother realizes that her child is on a highway.  I am then loaded into the car with the cop, who offered to take me home (a ten minute drive), and his step-son. And that pretty much sums up my daring escape to the land of happiness.  In hindsight it is a fun story to tell, but let's pray my future daughter has less of my tendencies and more of her fathers.  

Needless to say I didn't really go anywhere for a while... until the next time I ran away, this time at night and with my younger brother, when we had our Gameboys taken away.  How I am still alive to tell this tale I have no clue but thank the heavens above that I was found by the right people.
What about y'all? Any other fellow runaway aficionados out there? 

Freezing Moments

It's Day 17 and Jenni is really not doing this indecisive girl any favors.  I have quite a few favorite pictures; I like them all really.  And no, this is not in a "toot-my-own-horn, I-think-I-am-a-looker" type of way.  Pictures to me signify memories.  Some of my favorite pictures are ones that I look horrible in but I love them because the memory behind them and knowing how I felt the moment the picture was snapped means so much more than whatever type of mess I might look like (like when I shared this memory).  So you get two pictures for today and can expect to see the rest of the ones I came across while hunting for these in day 28's post. 

The moment I saw this picture I was in love with it.  I know you can't see my face and no it is not just me.  Typically my favorite pictures never include just me, they always include some of my people and having my little people in them is just icing on the cake.  I love my little people.  It is so crazy to believe how much he has grown since this day. 

There is one that includes just me that, while not the best picture of me, pretty much sums up the feelings of my wedding morning for me and stops me every time I see it (it's also just pretty me in general).  I was anxious and curious. I wanted to see Babe before he saw me, I wanted to see how and where people were sitting and I wanted to know what I could expect to find out those back doors before I even thought of venturing out into what would be the rest of my life.  

* Photos courtesy of Nu Visions in Photography

I really enjoyed going through old photos as I made sure these were the ones I wanted to post.  I can't wait to see everyone else's.  

I Need Botox!

Hoping this picture of the waters of the Pacific helps bring me some peace before publishing this post...

It's day 16 of the challenge and I was going to go all deep and into big areas of my some of my "lots in life" but since I did some of that in this post here I thought I would go a little lighter. You now get to be let in on a big "secret" of mine. I am sharing this mainly because I am currently sitting with Wally (my person) and her sister and I told them they could pick my lot in life (who ever said trusting your friends was a good idea?!). Now that the issue is the only thing on my mind I probably won't be able to focus enough to write on anything else. So, the following is what you get! Though as I type I am seriously now sweating bullets thinking about posting this. It's not as if people I meet in public don't know that it can happen. On occasion, my "secret" can be pretty noticeable. This is not a secret that I am totally excited about sharing and something I try (in vain) to hide in public. 

I need Botox!! No, it is not what you're thinking (though as this thing called aging seems to increase wrinkles, I may need it in between the eyes soon too).  I need Botox in my armpits! I sweat glisten, A LOT!! It is embarrassing and horrible and total suckage (yes I said suckage).  It goes somewhat hand in hand with the clothes I can and can't wear and the fact that I stick very closely to my comfort zone of "fashion sense".

Though I will probably never get Botox because I have no idea how my body may react to that stuff and I don't want some foreign toxins floating around in my body I consider it all the time.  I have pretty much self diagnosed myself with hyperhydrosis (because I'm a doctor and all that).  Right now I am working to overcome it by the awesome deodorant regiment that I honestly think is just in my head, but hey, it seems to help.  I shower and immediately coat my armpits with three swipes of Clinical Strength Secret and then in the morning when I wake up (or when I dress if I am leaving right after I shower) I coat each pit with 5 swipes of Degree.  Yes, this is a science people and, yes, I do count! When and why and how it seems to happen has no rhyme or reason as one moment all will be perfectly fine and the next moment it's as if someone has turned a faucet on full blast.  I am waiting to try the new Stress Induced Secret stuff.  Fingers crossed that it rocks and drys these puppies up like the Sahara. 

Until I have figured out the exact science for getting this whole thing under wraps I will continue to constantly wear tanks or t-shirts, baby powder those suckers when needed, and learn to embrace the fact that my underarms will always be just a "tad bit" moist.

*As I am sitting here freaking out and reading this post aloud to Wall she asks "Do you feel free now? Maybe, you will feel better the more you share it." Well, here's to hoping I guess.  Right now I am just sweating!

Ten Happy Things for Tuesday

It's day 14 of the blog everyday in May challenge.  Below is a list of things that put the above smile on my face and make me happy!

1.) My friends make me happy.  The ones who, despite knowing all the grizzly details of my life, have stuck by me through thick and thin.

2.) Babe makes me happy. He has this knack for making me smile even while he is pissing me off! He is just this calming, constant force that seems to keep me at peace.

3.) My little people make me very happy!! I could spend all day with them and smile through it all, even the tantrums and the defiance and the dirty diapers (or better yet when they decide to take said diaper off during their nap so that I walk in on a naked bottomed baby asleep with a dirty diaper at the foot of the crib, yes even through that I will smile. I mean how could I not with a face this cute?!).

4.) My family makes me happy, though this one does tend to have its conditions.  Happiness will ensue but so will "pull-my-hair-out, your-making-me-nutso" chaos.  Sometimes chaos seems to make me happy (though not necessarily in the blissful way; more so the familiar-old-friend way). Product of my environment?... I think that might be so.

* If you haven't noticed people make me happy! Sometimes people also frustrated the heck out of me, but I tend to look towards the optimistic when it comes to people, so... happy, people make me happy.

5.) Blogging (and blog people... see more people?!) makes me happy.  I am loving this niche I have found.  This little (or not so little, really) world inside the big world we live in.

6.) BOOKS!! These treasures make me happy.  Content, happy and at peace.  Add a hot bath into the mix and this girl has found herself a little slice of heaven on earth.

7.) Disney makes me happy! I told Babe on our trip that I sometimes think to myself that Disney really isn't the happiness ensueing place I think it is and that I make it happier in my mind when I am not there.  Nope, that's a wrong assumption.  It truly does make me happy and blissful and full of life-loving-gaiety when I am there.  True story! Catch me at Disney and you catch me happy; like kid-in-the-worlds-biggest-candy-shop happy!

8.) Tennessee makes me happy! I don't know what it is but Tennessee has always kind of just been my peaceful, happy place.  Maybe it's the people?! My Tennessee people rock! Life there just seems a little more laid back, a little more at ease, and everyone just seems to take life's punches and let them roll.  They don't really seem to sweat the small stuff.  Maybe it's all a matter of perception or the fact that we go in the summer and life is usually a little different in the summer anyways but Tennessee and it's people?! They know how to live well.  It is the one other place I would live if I didn't live here.

9.) Traveling makes me happy.  Granted this too has it's conditions because if the set-up isn't just so (as in takes place within the U.S. or on a cruise boat and I know where I am going) then I get a little anxious.  Road trips especially excite me! I could road trip it all day as long as I have a good book in my lap (and I'm sitting in the front seat or have had a Bonine, otherwise this traveler is an unhappy mess of car sickness).

10.) Happiness!! Happiness and contentment make me happy.  When I am happy or even just at peace I try to soak it in, fill up my happiness meter like it's a solar panel, because I'm going to need it to call upon when the seas get a little rough.

I loved today's topic. It is nice to think that I could keep going and that the list could do on and on (sunshine, sweet iced tea, fire in the fireplace on a cold night, God, Harry Potter).  It's nice to focus on all the things I have to be happy and thankful for.  My wish for every soul out there is that their list is long and that it grows everyday.

Dear Tidy Man I Married

Today's challenge topic to issue a public apology goes out to my sweet husband in response to a wonderful remark he made not that long ago.  Let me set up the scene a bit.  The laundry (my laundry) that had been cleaned was still sitting on the couch after about a week.  I had laid it out there after it got out of the dryer so it wouldn't wrinkle and ran out the door to go to some unknown location.  Then upon coming home I got busy and forgot all about it.  Babe didn't mention much about it, though I knew he wanted it put away.  My plan was to get it put up before he said anything, I had it scheduled and everything.  Well he got home early on said scheduled day and I had just made it into the living room to start it when he came in (as in I hear his car pull up and ran my behind in there to get started).   You could tell he was relieved to see it being done.  My response, "I'm sorry I suck at life".  He responded with a kiss on my head and an "Oh dear, you don't suck at life... just laundry." So here is my apology to him for sucking at life laundry and overall "wifeish" business.

Dearest Babe,

I apologize for the fact that laundry is something I have never been good at.  I am sorry that this leaves you to do your own because 1.) I tried to do yours once and you said it was ok that you would do it yourself (apparently wrinkles are not part of your laundry standards) and 2.) I only really do my own once a month and you need your clothes cleaned before then.  I am glad I can at least wash your boxers upon occasion as those can sit wrinkled when I forget that the clothes have been sitting in the dryer for a few days. 

I am sorry that the suitcase of clothes from our trip to Disneyland will probably sit unpacked by our bedroom door for days.  I promise to try to get it emptied (and the clothes put away in their proper place) by... Wednesday? Yes, I think Wednesday is a good goal. 

I am sorry that I forget to do things like wash the dishes and mop the floors when they need to be done because I have been busy with blogging and photos and sometimes a good book.  Thank you for bearing with me and pardoning my dust as I learn to do this acts of service thing, as that is your primary love language.

I am sorry that once each month the whole tidying thing gets even worse, need I say completely left by the wayside, as I moan on the couch while you bring me home Advil and reassurances that you love me because I get a little crazy and need the affirmation.

I am sorry that I get frustrated when, after having felt like I spent all day cleaning, you come in and hardly notice.  Mainly because, though I worked all day ("little" breaks of course), it doesn't really look like much was done.  At least not done like you would have done it and its something that should just be done so you don't consider it praise worthy (it isn't really but it's me were talking about).  You wouldn't require thanks for it and don't think about it but since words of affirmation is part of my love language I do and therefore get snippy. Sorry! It's just that getting the counters to shine without streaks is a feat against nature for me and I feel proud of myself.  I know it's silly!

Thank you for bearing with me.  For putting up with my crazy.  For being a clean and tidy man who picks up my very large amount of slack.  I love that we compliment each other and that where I will start a task and stop in the middle you will start and not stop until it is complete.  Our house truly sparkles when it has been cleaned by your hands.  I love that my "live-in-organized-chaos" soul met your "tidy-likes-everything-in-its-place" soul and that we get to live out our version of happily ever after.

Love Always,
Your Procrastinating, Laundry-hating Wife

See that smiling face? Cleaning makes him happy! I wouldn't want to take that from
him, would I?  And yes, he would be sweeping OUTSIDE.  He is insuring there will
not be leaves for people to track inside.  

Burnt Popcorn and Cold Cream

I knew today's challenge topic was going to be a tough one.  There are quite a few things I miss.  The innocence of youth, not knowing what the adult world is really all about, getting to read Harry Potter for the first time, and on and on.  However, those are all incomparable to the people I miss.  I miss my Mimi more than anything else in this world. I would love to have the chance to spend just one more day with her.  Words really can not even express how much I miss her and how often I wish she were around. 

I am currently sitting in the John Wayne Airport.  So in order to avoid an ugly cry in the middle of the terminal I am going to try to share little moments and memories that I miss about her in order to avoid the onset of emotions that will surely be brought to the surface if I share my feelings on the matter of missing her. 

- I miss sitting on her lap.  I sat on her lap until I got so big the weight of me would have probably crushed her tiny little frame.  I think I think I may have been well into middle school and would still wake up after I had spent the night to go and sit on her lap in the living room where I knew she would be sitting and waiting. 


Even in college I would still manage to sit there from time to time; I just supported my own weight. 


- I miss spending the night with her.  My friends still talk to this day about the fact that I would miss some of our weekend FCA (YMCA event) dances just to go spend the night at Mimi's house.  Our routine consisted of going to rent a movie from Blockbuster while we waited for our pizza to be ready at Papa John's.  She would usually give me cash to go in and pick one while she waited in the car.  She would in up coming in because I was taking to long and our pizza was going to be ready.  We would get our pizza, go home and watch Diagnosis Murder while we ate and then put our movie in and pop some popcorn.  It's not often that I burn popcorn but when I do I smile, because Mimi loved burnt popcorn. 

- I miss the way she would always get in the bed smelling like Mimi and cold cream.  I would watch her sit at her vanity taking off her make-up with cold cream.  That smell still comforts me.  When she passed and my mom asked me about what I may want, I chose to take (among other things) her cold cream.  It's Neiman Marcus but I knew just getting any new jar wouldn't work.  Her jar has her smell in their too.  I wore it on my hands on my wedding day and some nights when I can't sleep I will breathe it in (it sits in the top drawer of my bedside table).  Too much? I don't know.  Either way it comforts me.

- I miss that as I got older she seemed to get wiser.  I am assuming she was always wise, I was just finally old enough to embrace it. 

- I miss her shocked expressions by some of the things that would come out of my mouth.  I remember once that if it weren't for the fact that I am attracted to men, I might make a good lesbian because I think it would just be awesome to live with my friends for the rest of my life.  I can still hear her say, "Melanie?!" while she took in a big breath of air.

- I  miss her constantly trying to get me into a dress.  She always wanted me to wear dresses. I never was a dress fan.  Even though she was gone by that point she had a part in picking out my wedding dress (story on that another time).

- I miss just being with her.  I miss visiting her. I miss laying on the floor to shout her name under the door.  When she moved into her retirement community (which I will so be doing when I turn 60 because it is the total hook-up!) she didn't have a doorbell and would sometimes not hear when I knocked.  So I would sprawl out on the floor put my mouth up to the crack under the door and shout "Mimi?! Mimi!! I'm here!". 

Really I just miss life with her.  I wish she could be here as I navigate these adult waters because I know she would have so much to tell me and even if she didn't she would be able to comfort me by just being her.  Ok, I think I am going to have to cut off there.  The lump in my throat is now sufficiently grown quite a few sizes. 

Selling Myself, Any Takers?!

Day 11 of Blog Everyday in May is coming to you live again from just outside Disneyland! Which is good I guess because today's post was originally not going to come through until tomorrow(because I hadn't written this one yet) but now because I am able to post this I am so far on track to link everyday on the day of.  We are about to go explore the California coast.  Is it really bad that I kind of just want to go back to the parks?! I know we have them in Orlando but I just love me some Disney! Plus you get a sneak peek to some Disney pics as I use Jenni's topic to try to sell myself in 10 words or less.  I figured I would go personal ad style and fit it to yesterday's mood (My "personal stylist" told me she would beat me if I ever wore a Disney shirt but I just couldn't resist since we were doing the whole total tourist thing and it was so fitting of me embracing my inner nerd). 

So here is goes- Melanie: Quirky, Book-lovin' Nerd. Who wouldn't want that? Check Me Out! (Not including the name it's 10 words exactly, Bam!)

Oh the Shame! Thought of Changing my Name

This post is coming straight to you from Disneyland!! These were originally suppose to be scheduled posts in order to keep up with the challenge but as these hadn't been fully tweaked I am excited to get to 1.) share with you where we ended up and 2.) have the chance to get them fully ready.  I am super excited to be at Disneyland, as I never thought I would get a Disney-get-away being an Orlando girl. Babe done himself good!  

I have had a slew of moments that are embarrassment worthy.  Middle school was treacherous.  Got a stool stuck on my head and was made to sit at the front of the class until we could get it off, had my bathing suit top ripped off at an 8th grade pool party, this list goes on.  I don't embarrass easily, I just chalk it all up to my quirks and character (and maybe the fact that middle school gave me thick skin when it came to embarrassment). As moments go though I guess in hindsight they could be considered embarrassing.  Two recent ones have happened within a week or two of each other and include the movies, Wally, and cash money. The first movie was a documentary that we had gotten tickets too through another movie.  We went during the day and I planned on ordering just a kids pack of popcorn because I had already eaten lunch (I have to have popcorn anytime I see a movie).  Well I go to order while she stated walking to the theater.  She rounds the corner out of my sight when I realize I have no credit card and no cash! My reaction? Scream "Wally?! Come back!! I ain't got no money!" This reaction prompted many snickers from the line of people waiting behind me and an exasperated "Oh girl" as she came back around the corner. Then the line was is graced with our conversation about where the heck my credit card is, which I then realize I left at a restaurant Babe and I went to the evening before.

Movie two was pretty much the same set-up.  Wally and I go to see Life of Pi. We decide to go to the local dollar theater.  We arrive, this time credit card in hand, only to see that they accept cash only! Luckily it was just the poor girl behind the counter that had to be graced with our "Oh girl" banter.  Still a little embarrassing.  Don't worry, I treated her to dinner after the movie. 

*I also now recommend trying your local dollar theater.  We got two movies, popcorn and a drink for $10 total! That plus walking into creaky seats, not much rise in theater slope and a crackly smaller screen just took us straight back to elementary school because that was all theaters were when we were little.  However, if like our theater it hasn't been changed/ cleaned since we were in elementary I would not recommend even trying to use the bathroom.  We couldn't!

Moments and Memories

Since today's post from Jenni's challenge is supposed to be a moment in our day and since I am actually writing this in the past and not today because today is the future and I am off in some foreign land that Babe has whisked me off to as a surprise I am going to share a moment with you from a completely different day altogether.  Ok, did any of that make sense to you?! I don't know if it did to me.  Basically, since I am gone to some unknown destination this post was prewritten and scheduled.  I am hoping (as my past self writes this) that wherever I am as you read this I am embracing whatever unexpected place I may find myself.

Enjoy these pictures from a recent moment in one of our days... dinner with the May May (one of our nieces).

I realize I am not actually in any of these.  My moments in time typically take place behind the camera (or in this instance the iPhone). She melts my heart though and I have to capture that!

Am I Qualified for Giving Advice?

Tomorrow will be my first scheduled post ever.  I did not remember, when committing to this challenge, that I would be gone for 5 consecutive days.  I am hoping I get it right.  If not I shall return (hopefully) on Monday to post what I have missed.  In the meantime wish me luck as I embark into the brave unknown this morning.  Babe has planned a surprise trip for our anniversary!! 3 years today!!!

Today's challenge was advice for others. 
Advice for others?! I need advice for myself! So I think I will start there and maybe the advice for myself will work for you too?!
  Cherish life! Every minute of it, even the challenging ones.  Maybe especially the challenging ones.  Those are the teaching moments.  Learn something new everyday, even if it is only something small that you learn from the little moments.  Remember to tell the people you love how much you love them.  Care for people, even when it hurts.  Learn to understand that sometimes you have to let go of certain things, including people. Learn to realize the sometimes caring for the people you have been entrusted to love means setting boundaries, backing up and not doing everything you can to "help" the situation. That is not helping it is enabling.

Embrace everything about yourself; embrace the flaws and the areas where you fail.  Understand and come to terms with your past, tell it good-bye, thank it for what it taught you and move on to the present.  Try not to live in the future either.  You can look forward to the future, you can try to plan for it (though that whole tell God your plans and hear him laugh thing comes into play at least for me), but living in it robs today of it's beauty.

Just live! Breathe, embrace, take it all in and live.  Be content, yet always push yourself towards great things!

These moments, the little ones (like this day right here)... Cherish them!

Fearing Fear'

It's day 7 of Jenni's challenge and looking back I think I may have used some of the things for this post, things we are afraid of, in the post for things that make me uncomfortable. 

I think I kind of suck at being afraid of things because the things that scare me the most are things that are ultimately unavoidable.  They also aren't very tangible and therefore harder fears to destroy.  I love a scary movie.  I will scream as everything and love each scary moment at the same time.  I sometimes scream in kids movies (yes, I have been laughed at).  However, I know that after I scream the fear is gone; the scene changes.  I know that the movie is just a movie and I pretty much know walking into it what to expect (duh, I done seen the trailer).  What scares me the most are those unseen things; the "demons" that hide in the clear light of day.

I fear change and I fear the unknown.  I like knowing what to expect. I fear loss; of any kind really.  Death is, for me, the hardest form of loss; at least in earthly terms it's permanent. I would like to think if I was more prepared for it I wouldn't fear it so much but I was somewhat prepared for my Mimi's passing and that rocked me in a way that I have never been rocked before.  Loss outside of death scares me too though.  I fear losing friends.  I fear not having those relationships that I care so much about.  I fear that changes in lifestyle, in growing up, in timing will create valleys and trenches between me and the people I love.  I know that this is irrational.  I know that if the relationships are really as strong as I trust they are it won't matter.  I fear it anyways.  I fear loss even when it is something (or someone) I should probably let go of anyways. I still have no logical explanation for this and I am working on letting it go.  I fear letting things go, giving over control and letting someone else take the wheel. 

Sometimes, I fear myself.  This was a tough thing to learn. I fear the things I sometimes want (the above quote is one that I found not long ago that spoke to me on so many levels).  I fear my strength and my own ability to keep the people I love safe.  I fear the ability within myself to keep my life happy.  I believe that we are each given what we need to embrace our lives and make them happy ones. That belief scares me because in the end, if I mess everything up with choosing one path over another, I have no one to blame but myself.  At the same time I don't think I would have it any other way.   It is like driving in a car on an icy mountain road in the middle of a blizzard (yes, this Florida girl has done that... once). I would much rather be the one in the drivers seat because if I die, I am going to be the one to take me out.  I think I fear placing my life in someone else's hands.  This may go back to why I fear loss.  If I have put stake in someone to the point that losing them would cause me great pain, then I have given them a part of myself, a part of  my life.  I fear that in losing them I not only lose the relationship but I lose a part of me, as if somehow piece by piece I will be left with nothing but the shell of the person I once was. I ultimately know this is untrue.  I know that I can be myself on the other side of loss, that I can overcome fear; but in moments I am utterly terrified of these things, of myself and of my inability to control them.   

Doing Me

It's Day 6 of the blogging everyday through May challenge with Jenni and much of the blogging world. What do I do if I can't write about what I do (job wise)?

 

Well, my job is kind of about doing what I love right now because I have an amazing husband who is giving me the flexibility to pursue my passions. I do photos; when I am working and when I am not working; with my DSLR and with my iPhone (though poo on those photos because I still haven't gotten the iPhone thing down, I just joined that revolution a few months ago); of anything and everything.  I am blessed that I now get to explore taking that love to a new level.  I am loving doing that; even though sometimes it still fills me with a bit of anxiety.

 

I love kids. This is also done when I am working and not.  I do love my kids I nanny for, just as I do love spending time with my nieces and nephews.  We had my niece over the weekend and I spent my time doing the Aunt Mel thing.  I love being called Aunt Mel (to date it is my favorite name in the world).  I do nails, I do stories, I do lullabies and I do night-night and good morning hugs and cuddles. Love!

 

Outside of those two loves I do me. I do movie nights with Babe.  I do dinner and drinks with friends.  I sometimes do a night out (though not very often; I am also doing the getting old thing). I do church. I do a good book while basking in the sun on the patio, or at the beach, or in the tub (though obviously the tub part wouldn't be in the sun because well, ain't nobody gunna wanna see that).  I do too much TV when I sit down to catch up on just one show, which then turns into just one a few more. I do the wifey thing (though that is the hardest role to learn), the friend thing, the sister thing, and the daughter thing. I do the alone time thing which consists of either, a sometimes two hour, bath or some Audrey Hepburn movie watching.  I do movies to put me to sleep on nights when my brain just won't stop running, usually Harry Potter or some Haley Mills movie because they both soothe me (Harry because I love it and it comforts me and Haley Mills because something about her voice and demeanor lulls me like a lullaby). I sometimes do a little bit of the cray and a little bit of the worry thing, I mean I am a woman, it seems to be ingrained. I guess I just do life. I try to embrace the little moments, I cringe at the ones that could provoke change, and I mourn the ones that bring lose. It all adds up to life though so I guess I just do the living thing; just living my way. I do me!

She had me at Harry

Jenni's topic for day 5 is going to be about, well, her!! She is my go to gal (and no this is not just in thanks for this awesome challenge and the fact that because of it I have found many new great people to enjoy). Today we are suppose to publicly profess our love for one of our blogger friends and I couldn't be happier to get the chance to talk about how great I think she is.

I still for the life of my can't remember how or when I stumbled across her lovely space (maybe through Sarah at Fairy Tales are True, who also rocks my socks) but I was smitten from the start.  She truly did have me at Harry (yes, Harry Potter, could there be another one?!).  She talked about her love affair with those books the same way I have always talked about mine.  Most people don't seem to get it, but she did.  I think it started with a simple post about what her hubs had gotten her as a surprise and then spanned into me proceeding to read all her Harry linked posts. I also figured that since her about me post included a statement that if I didn't like Harry Potter we couldn't be friends, I took it upon myself to assume that because I love him we automatically could.  Harry was hook number one.

Hook number 2 was her gorgeous photos. Seriously stunning!  I have never seen food or a restaurant look so good through a computer screen.  Someday I will find my way to Austin with the soul (yes, soul not sole) purpose of eating my way through it (and meeting her wouldn't be half bad either, total understatement)!  Then after I had been following (unofficially) for a bit I found the greatness of one of her photography posts and it all made sense.  If I lived in Austin I would totally be hiring her to take any pictures I may need in my lifetime. Jenni, if you ever find your way to Orlando again then hit me up girl 'cause I want photos!  

Hook number 3 was this post right here.  I love the term marital blish (yes, blish), she coins some good words huh?! The open honesty in her post was so endearing and reached me at a time when I needed to hear read words like that.  Her writing is beautiful and the outlook was very similar to the way I view relationships in general.  And the words read at her wedding?! I love them.  Maybe if I had known of them before, my reading selection for our wedding may have changed.  I couldn't find the words that seemed fitting and wrote my own.  Those would have been amazing! 

I had followed Jenni for probably about a year before I actually had an official blog to follow her with.  It was quite an exciting day to be able to post a comment un-anonymously. I think at some point through facebook I told her I felt we were "certainly simpatico" (I love that term! If you haven't seen The Trouble with Angels, with Haley Mills, you probably should. Love it!).  I still believe it to be true. I love her insight and her stories and what seems to be a genuine open-hearted kindness for others and the things/people she loves. The girl gives some great advice and life tidbits and really knows how to help a sister out! So Jenni, thanks for your great words and lovely photos.  Your writing truly makes you feel like a dear friend to me and I am excited to get to follow your journey. 

Albus Dumbledore, Oprah and the Dalai Lama

I knew that Jenni's topic from day 4, your favorite quote and what you love about it, was going to be a tough one for me when it came to making a decision.  So... I decided not to.  Rebel, I know!  I have two books full of quotes and while there are some I love more than others it could take me hours upon hours to figure out which ones I really wanted to share. I am excited to read others posts and add great finds to my books.  

While these aren't necessarily my favorite quotes I thought an easy place to start would be with one from my favorite books first (or book series anyways).



Albus Dumbledore is one smart man!
I love the above quote but I think I love this one more, 
"The truth.  It is a beautiful and terrible thing, and should therefore be treated with great caution." -Albus Dumbledore, via J.K. Rowling
This one speaks to me on so many levels.  I am a firm believer in what I don't know can't hurt me.  If the truth is something that won't do anything (change the situation, help the situation, or change my viewpoint) but bring hurt in the moment, then I would prefer to just be left in the dark.  The truth can be freeing but it can also be damaging and destructive.  It should never be treated with anything but caution.  The truth is words and words have power; be careful with them.

In skimming my books for more Harry Potter wisdom (which I couldn't decide between and thus decided to save for a later date), I stumbled across this one that jumped out at me.  It is fitting for my current state of mind.  

"Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck." - Dalai Lama
At this time in my life I have been trying not to focus on the what-ifs.  I am where I am in my life and there is a reason for it.  When I think back on some of the things I had wanted, or even the things I still want but had wanted at the wrong time, I can't help but be in awe at how blessed I am that I didn't get them.  My entire life would be completely different.

Here are some more snippets of wisdom from others that I found while scrolling my time away on Pinterest (which I enjoy, wholeheartedly).  I have also gone ahead and attached my Pinterest account.  It is still a pretty unorganized mess of all my mind comes across (most things are just liked not pinned) but I am working on making it a little more spiffy~ Enjoy!

And I just had to share this because it is oh so perfectly me... 

No, I can't! Sorry

Day 3 of Jenni's Challenge was things that make us uncomfortable and I think I will start my list of things that make me uncomfortable with this post right here.  I don't like discussing things that make me uncomfortable because, well, they make me uncomfortable (I don't like being uncomfortable).  Starting this blog actually made me a little uncomfortable because I do not like the fear of rejection and I won't lie, I do 'sometimes' care about acceptance and what others think.  My first few blog posts took me ages to actually publish because I literally ennie-meenied over them and if they were "ready".  I have since embraced the publish button and am quite content, even if I am my only follower.  I started this blog as a way to write and share my thoughts and even if it is simply an online journal I will be content in that because it is making me happy and helping me clear my head.

The following are other things that make me cringe:

- Saying no: I suck at saying no, even to things I really don't want to do.  It can make me feel guilty and anxious and I talk in circle trying to explain why I can't do something, be somewhere, help someone.  I think it's the whole fear of rejection thing.  Most of the time I just end up saying, yeah why not?! For reals, it's kind of an issue; along with making a decision.  That goes hand in hand with the discomfort I feel when saying no.  Be an adult, lady! Make a decision. Say no! No, no, no, no, no! See? I can do it.  Ok, now my palms are sweating. 

- Large crowds: Which is a somewhat ironic and new discovery but I have realized large crowds give me the willies.  I LOVE people, I enjoy parties and the occasional night out but get me into an unknown situation with large crowds of people and I have a slight freak out.  For example, don't catch me in a parade in the middle of NYC when I didn't even know there was going to be a parade.  This was when I discovered my discomfort with large crowds.  My reaction? Call my person (who was not in NYC with me) to bombard her with frantic "I'm freaking" nonsense and leave the rest of my group behind (Babe included) as I walked as quickly as I could through said parade trying to get to our destination which, by the way, was closed due to the parade! Oh man, the memories.  Who, in their rational mind, would leave their group behind in that situation? Oh, this girl! It wasn't one of those rationally minded moments.  

- International travel:  I don't know why but this has made me uncomfortable for a long time.  I am trying not to let it stop me from seeing the wonders of this world. 

       *Side-story: On a recent mission trip to Costa Rica, the three girls I was traveling with and myself, were to meet my friends brother at the airport (he heads a mission building wells in CR).  He would be waiting for us outside.  She informs that there would be a LARGE CROWD of people outside this INTERNATIONAL airport and we may not see him right away.  She said to just stick by her and it would be ok and not to freak if we got jostled, pushed etc.  I was in a little bit of a panic mode.  Well, we walked out of the airport and some of their security measures had been changed and the crowd was not as bad as her previous trip and we saw her brother right away.  I don't think I had ever been so glad to see her brother (or maybe anyone for that matter) in my life.  She laughed because I literally said an, "Oh, thank God, there's Blake" prayer as we walked out the doors.  

- Change: Blah, change!! It is a hard thing to feel uncomfortable about because it is unavoidable and happens often.  

- The unexpected: I think the majority of the above can be linked to this one major area that creates discomfort for me.  I think some people call it a fear.  I like to know what to expect!

And just for your enjoyment, if you would like instant cringe worthiness from me check this list
- The sound wet sand makes when you drag your fingers, toes, etc. through it
- Squirrels!! Those buggers FREAK me out.  I have been chased by one, stalked for food by two, and caught in the middle of a squirrel brawl at Sonny's, in which I knew it was only a matter of time before one jumped on my head in crazed attack mode.  That didn't happen, but tears did (the laughing/ freaking kind)
- Birds! Yes, birds.  These are almost as bad as Squirrels but not that bad.  Squirrels are freakin' tree ninjas!
Yes, feel free to think I am completely cray; sometimes I feel that way.  Good day! 

Some of Life's Words aren't so Sweet

I never planned to write about this so early on.  However, I am finding as I really explore this "new world" that there is a certain freedom in blogging.  Freedom for myself.  Freedom for my thoughts. Freedom for my feelings.  Writing has always been a source of expressing myself but the feeling of it seems a little different when I know someone else may potentially read what I put down on "paper".   Jenni's prompt for today really had my mind in a battle over what approach to take.  What is something I know a lot about? Or am "good" at? My plan for something I know a lot about had originally been to take a funny approach to being a "successful" housewife.  With recent events in my life changing (oh I love that word) yet again, the topic of addiction has been heavy on my mind.  Unfortunately, this is a topic I know a lot about.  Not my own personal struggle but the struggle of caring for someone who suffers under the weight of it.

This is a weight that doesn't only fall on him.  It is a weight that can also consume and devour those who love him.  My brother has suffered with addiction for what seems like as long as I can remember (and he is younger than me).  His dealing with his demons is his story.  This is mine.

 I am the sister of an addict.  I don't think is something you can be good at but being a good sister is something I am working on being good at all the time.

Caring for someone who suffers from addiction takes on many faces.

- Anger; there is was a lot of that

- Enabling; I have played my part

- Judgement; I still struggle to not throw stones

This list could go on...

However, there is also...
- Hope; even in the smallest of doses

- Redemption; because sometimes even each week could mean turning a new page

- Grace; there has to be or the battle would have been lost long ago

This list is sometimes harder to find and harder to add to than the other but this list grows too. 

Right now those faces change sometimes moment to moment.  His most recent relapse began yet a new season in this journey but I think it was the most important lesson I have learned so far.  For years I would step back from it, live my life and pretend that this was not something that defined me. While I still don't see it as a definition for my life it is something that has shaped me and defined who I have become.  Addiction, even when it is not your own, changes you. I didn't use to fear change, until things changed with the speed of an oncoming train and kept changing with each passing car.  I used to be a little more carefree, until I saw how riding that line can push you so far past it you can't find your way back.

Now though I am finding a new way to understand "knowing a lot" about addiction. Addiction is a disease, which is something I still have a hard time wrapping my head around.  I have always called it selfish, but it is not something I struggle with and therefore can't truly understand.  I have come to learn though that no matter how hard I may try it is not something I can fix.  Sometimes there is nothing I can do but pray.  He has to want to change.  I can support him, when he is sober.  I can be there to help, when he is willing to be active in recovery, but I can no longer intervene.  It doesn't help and it doesn't do him, me or anyone any good.  Trying to take it all on leads to damage, destruction and heartache.

As a hurt teen I was quick to anger, quick to hate addiction, quick to want to hate him.  It's a strange feeling to have so much hatred for someone you also love so much.  That anger comes up from time to time.  That is the fear, that is the human reaction.  Shooting jabs and lashing out on him for the pain it has caused me just precipitates more anger in the moment and leads to guilt later on. It's in those moments when I try to play the game at his level, "throwing punches" to save my own pride, that I really see the destructive pattern of it all.  In order to help someone who sometimes can't even help themselves we can't crawl in at their level and hope to rescue them.  We have to keep our hearts strong and offer the hand down because otherwise there would be no one to pull them up.  In the same respect I am trying to learn that the greatest lesson of all is that the most I can be is a helping hand.  I can not be his savior.   So for now, I will continue to offer a hand when he is willing to take it.  I won't pull him up with my own strength but with the strength that comes from knowing that there is a reason he is here, that there is more to his story (to the whole story) than just the seasons that he spends in the pit. God is not done yet.