Life's Sweet Journey

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Sin Boldly

Do you sin boldly? 
No? You should! You should sin boldly. 
Sermons often have a way of rocking me, but some have a way of breaking me wide open. 
They are all just words, words formed by letters, to make a sentence that someone speaks aloud. But it is in that arrangement of those specific letters that one can truly see the power of words, the power in a sermon. They are words laid together just so, so that we can see God at work through the one who is teaching them.

Sin is a short word, comprised of three letters. But it holds so much if we let it... All week long I have heard those words "sin boldly", replayed the question in my mind as I attempt to fall asleep. 

This entire week and all week before that really, I have walked around in a fog. I stopped blogging. I did exactly what I had recently vowed I was not going to do anymore. I wrapped myself in cloak of haze and let myself hide in it. Why? Because I don't want to think. I don't want to remember. I don't want to move forward, because it is painful. I stopped thoughts, because I didn't want to feel the pull that it would bring from my heart. It has been almost a year since my brother died and with it comes the urge to block it all out again. 
But God gets through fog and haze has nothing on Jesus. And so, He met me where I was. He met me where I was so that I could see the question marks that I had been letting eat me from the inside. 

Do I sin boldly? 
That answer would have been no and I would have thought it should be. Sin boldly? Why would I want to sin boldly? And so I leaned in closer and I listened. "You sin boldly, because Jesus is bolder than sin." These words made sense, but not in real terms. And then there was a reference, a reference to a story that always brings me to my knees... the younger brother, the prodigal son. The inaudible intake of breathe, the invisible fingers tightening around my insides was all it took and the tears were pouring out, tears I had been forcing back all week long. This story has so much significance for me and usually without fail any mention of this story will leave me in tears, it has for years. But these tears were different. These tears held so much of what I have been working so hard to repress, because when this story was mentioned- in this particular sermon, in this particular context- I was confronted with all of the questions I have been refusing to acknowledge. The question prosed went something like this, "What if part of the reason the younger brother left in the first place was because his older brother wasn't contrite enough to share his own sins? What if the younger brother felt he could never live up to the expectations set by his older sibling and so he just didn't even care to try?" 
And so in the middle of a sermon, on a Sunday, in the far corner of a sanctuary I broke open. All week long words have been bottling up and now, because another sleepless night can wait, they will bleed out. Cut open, bleeding black and white. 
Was I contrite enough? 
Did I do enough to help a dark situation? 
Did my brother know that my heart could be just as sinful as his?
Did I share my story with him? 
Did I share my sin? 
I brought him to church, I encouraged him to come to reGroup. I did this checklist of things I thought might help him, but how did I do it? Did I say "come, you need this" or did I tell him how much I need it all too? 

I would like to think I did. I would like to think a part of me had gotten better, that I had learned to be more forgiving. I would like to think he remembered my apologizes more than he remembered the words I spewed at him in anger. But then I replay the number of my memories that include bitter undertones. I can't go back, I can't replay the picture. I can only hope that the things I shared with him before he died were enough for him to know just how badly I wanted him in those seats. I am grateful for the year we had before he died, I am grateful for the redemption our relationship had started to see, but I also know that I could have done more. Our stories are our own, but they are also there for the sake of others. Looking back, I wish I had shared more. Not on pen and paper, in my own private way, but out loud with him. I wish I hadn't waited until I had fully understood my own sin to share it with him, because it wasn't enough time. 

I know that these things - these questions and the way I throw them at myself- are a processing step; a self-inflicted guilt pang that will probably heal with scar-tissue that can still be felt from underneath the skin. They are real; they are the questions that I have been pushing to the far corners of my mind because I didn't want to address them. Yet, they are what I need. I need them to be the reminder that my sin should be shared; shared boldly, so that I don't have to question if I could have shared more. Shared boldly so that maybe another "younger brother" doesn't feel the need to run so far away, so that maybe they will want to settle into a seat, that fills a room, that is filled with people who can help tell them of God's grace. 


Sin is a short word, comprised of three letters. But it holds so much if we let it.
God is a short word too, but God will trump sin every time.
He doesn't need to hold any of it for us, He has already let it go. 

Link to hear sermon (preached by Zach Van Dyke) 

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Married and Dating

So yesterday, I took someone on a date... 
myself. 
Not just any ole' date, but to Disney. I must say, since getting our passes I had been planning to do just this. More of a lunch time, mid-day treat type date. However, yesterday I had planned for Babe to join me. Well, due to the soccer game and poor communication skills, I ended up flying solo. So I packed a backpack with all the things dear to "me time"- my books and camera- and I headed on my way. 
I must admit it was strange. Disney is not typically the place people go alone. I did get a few looks while sitting at dinner, with my book as my only companion. I think mainly because I chose to do a seated dinner. I went to Tony's Town Square Restaurant and I would quite recommend this quaint place. I only ordered the tomato and mozzarella salad, but it was delicious and the smells were delightful! 
I had never been and can't wait to try it again. The hostess even found me a seat, even though at first there hadn't been any she thought she could offer me. Following dinner I walked around, planning to just sit and read. I instead decided to take a little Haunted Mansion ride. Yes, the one ride I chose to go it alone was a haunted house. It was perfect! It was dark, I sprawled out across the seat, laid my head against the side rest and let the darkness drawl me in and lull me into a stupor. I rode the boat both over to the park and back and read my book each time. I must admit it did feel kind of fog like, then again this whole week really has for some reason, but it gave me time to ponder to myself as to why. It gave me time to reflect on myself, reflect on where I am at this point in my life and reflect on what true alone time really means. 

I have time alone, but the way I use it it often leaves me outside of my own head. I often frequent lunch spots alone, but mostly those moments find me enveloped in a world on paper- nestled between the pages of a book, cozy in someone else's story. Time to walk with only my thoughts to fill my head was almost surreal. Surreal, but needed. 
So I dare you to date yourself!
Married, single, dating, kids, no kids... wherever you find yourself in life, date yourself! Get to know the you now. I doubt she is the same you as 6 months ago or maybe even the same you as yesterday. I plan to continue dating myself. Just maybe not at the Magic Kingdom. While great, the getting there was a little more complicated than I wanted. But Epcot! I will date myself at Epcot. Explore my way around the "world", while I explore the one inside my head. I am excited, I am scared and I am intrigued. I am intrigued to see where these dates may lead! 


If you took yourself on a date where would be the first place you would want to go? 

Thursday, June 26, 2014

TENnessee Thanks for Thursday

At the beginning of this year I started reading through One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. It's a book written about her story, God's story for her and her journey of documenting 1,000 gifts. These are meant to be any type of gift God has granted to show life; a sunrise, the soft sound of a babies coo, dirty dishes in the sink that mean a meal has been enjoyed, the life stuff. Well I started out well intentioned, but life kept getting in my way. Meaning, I had totally lost the point!
Even if I may have bypassed the reading a few mornings- or months- in a row, I shouldn't have needed to forgo 'the list'. The list is something that can grow without the writing down, if I only remember to be mindful of thanks. That way I could go through the list, and when able, I could sit and record those thankful things. While in Tennessee, I brought my book and renewed my vow to myself to finish my 1,000 gifts. And so, starting with gift #117 the list below is my...
Ten Gifts from Tennessee
1.) (aka #117)- Tennessee Beauty; God created such a magnificent world for us to take in. 
2.) Sunsets
3.) Cornhole dancing; its an art people, a frivolous, glorious art! 
4.) Lake days 
5.) Bobbing; there is nothing like it and the Tennesseans have perfected it!! 
6) Catching up
7.) Quiet mountain mornings
8.) Cards with cousins 
9.) Side-stitchin' laughter
10.) Rummy rules and "cheating; because according to Babe, if he is not winning somebody must be cheating... let's just say there was a lot of "cheating" going on. 
I love Tennessee. It is the place where my soul goes to find rest. And it surely found some. I left feeling renewed and recharged. Now, to only find a way to keep feeling that way. Alas, reality beckons! 

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Blueberry Blues!

I have a confession!! I have the blues... the blueberry blues!!
Friends, let me tell you. I have never really been a huge blueberry fan, not since getting sick off of a blueberry muffin my freshman year of high school. That is all a thing of the past!! I am a blueberry freak and this morning finds me lusting after fresh, juicy, ripe, off-the-vine blueberries! Babe and I went by a blueberry farm that a friend and I heard about while picking at a strawberry farm. Well, it was AHHMAZING! 
Acres and acres of endless berries... and they even had honey bees!! I got as close as Babe would let me (dude kinda freaked a little). I was in blueberry heaven!! And after eating blueberries straight from the vine, and being able to be very selective as to the berries I put in my basket, this girl will never be able to buy another thing of blueberries at the store. Alas, blueberry picking season is now over. My little heart is crying! Blue tears! But in the meantime, I will simply dream on that last little bit of blueberry goodness and share with you this recipe that my mom makes every 4th of July! It was the only way I could ever eat blueberries for a while. And it is one of the most delicious things you will ever eat!! 
Apparently it was Gooding's recipe before mom had it, but for the sake of my memories we will call it...
Mama F's Blueberry Cobbler!!
 After acquiring all of the above ingredients the steps go as follows...
1.) Line the bottom of your pan with blueberries and cover with lemon juice. Mom typically uses one large 13X9 pan, but because I was baking with the kiddos I nanny for we used two 8in pans. I had to be able to take one with me!!
2.) In mixing bowl combine flour, sugar and baking powder with your one beaten egg. Use a fork (or your clean hands) to mash all of this together! I like mine pretty crumblie so that it spreads nicely but that is all up to preference. Really it just needs to be mixed so that there is no remaining flour/ sugar not mixed in. **side note- I usually like to add just a tad more flour and sugar (they just need to be equal parts) because the crust is yummmtastic!!
3.) Spread flour/sugar mixture over blueberries. It may not spread over completely as it will settle between berries. **I make more crust because I like mine pretty well covered!
4.) Pour melted butter over crust!
5.) Sprinkle cinnamon and light brown sugar over crust! **Feel free to use a dosh more of this then recipe calls for; I did!

6.) Bake at 350 for 35-40 minutes or until you notice the top is starting to turn crisp and brown! *Bake time will be shorter for convection ovens. And of course it never hurts to open the oven up to take a whiff and a peek! Amp up the anticipation!!
 7.) Enjoy! So good we had to dig into that puppy before we even got the camera out!!
 Yummm!! Blueberry Beauty!!
 *** This is a great recipe to make with kids! The little girl I nanny for requested a baking day and this was perfect! It allowed her to be hands on with every step. I basically just supervised and snapped pictures with her sweet heart baked the afternoon (or 15 minutes at least) away! I love afternoons with her!








Friday, June 20, 2014

Wedding Weekend Peekin'

My brother got married this past weekend! It was a beautiful (early) sunrise wedding. It was simple and elegant and sweet. It was also Father's Day. A day to celebrate the fabulous fathers and father figures in our lives and to remember those who couldn't be with us. It made for a wonderful weekend. Here's just a little peek at the festivities. 
1.)  My baby brother is a married man! This is crazy to me. He was just this scrawny little kids the other day, right?!
 2.)  Oh my family! Bless them; myself included! But mostly, bless the sweet, docile girl kissing my brother. She may have some idea what she is has gotten herself into, but probably not all that is in-store. Welcome to the crazy clan Katie!!
  3.)  Oh, this picture and how we tried to get one with all smiling children! I guess this is more fitting anyways. It may be note worthy to know that we never got the smiling picture, but just one “make a crazy face” picture and we were set! It’s just how we roll.
4.)  My daddy! God love him! I couldn’t be more honored to be this man’s daughter. He inspires me, believes in me and taught me how to be loved. I am quite fond oh him! I am proud of his strength, his vulnerability and his drive. 
 
5.)  Beach weddings- I think they are great! Especially with children involved. The day went so smoothly. And while we are not typically an early morning family, we were all up and there and not in our pjs (I must say I was a tad worried) in time for a sunrise wedding.
I mean, really?! It doesn't get much better for a flower girl when you can attend the rehearsal wrapped up in a beach towel and get to draw on the windows with water and a mulch paintbrush during the reception!