You Make Me Who I Am

Jenni's first prompt for Blogtember was Describe where or what you come from. The people, the places, and/or the factors that make up who you are.

And for me, it just so happened that, I already had something in the works. One of those posts I had started and never finished. I figured today was the best moment try to give it a shot... The people in my life have shaped and molded me, this most recent time in my life is shaping me even more. I come from a family that loves and loves hard. But I also come from a family that is its own concoction of dysfunction. Which all families seem to be in some way or another. This is all a part of mine. 

I am and I am not...

I am the sister of an addict, but I am not.

I am not the sister of an addict because there is no addiction in heaven.

I will always be the sister of an addict because that is what I was taught to be.

I am the sister of a boy; a boy whose struggle was often greater than his resolve.

I am the sister of a boy; a boy whose light shone so brightly that his story will continue on.

I am the sister of a man; a man who learned what it meant to work for something he was proud of.

I am the sister of a man; a man who gave the best he could in order to love his little girl.

I am the sister of a girl; a girl who was not born into but brought into our family, yet loved the same.

I am the sister of a girl; a girl who should not have had to go through the life she has led.

I am the sister of a girl; a girl who too quickly had to learn what it meant to be a woman.

I am the sister of a woman; a woman who stands strong and holds her world in her heart.

I am the sister of a woman; a woman who is working hard to be everything her daughter needs.

I am the sister of a boy; a boy who struggled to find his own way and his own place to shine in the wake of his older brothers choices. 

I am the sister of a man; a man who found that place and who is standing stronger than I had ever imagined humanly possible. 

I am the sister of a man; a man who is working hard to step up to the plate and who has forged ahead despite life's struggles. 

I am the sister of a girl; the sister of a girl who knows all too well what loss looks like. 

I am the sister of a woman; the sister of a woman who stands strong and carries on for herself and for those she loves.

I am the daughter; the daughter of parents who had to lose a child before any parent ever should. 

I am the daughter; the daughter of two people who are working on themselves just as their children are and that is a beautiful thing.  

I am the sister to brothers who have gone to war; one who chose to serve our country and one who fought a war within himself long before any of us ever knew. 

I am me. I am a people pleaser, some days it can be my greatest attribute and some days it is my Achilles heel. 

I am me. I am a product of the life I have led, of the people I have loved, of the people I have lost and of the future I am working hard to keep on track. 

I am a wife; a wife who is trying to be the person she needs for the man who has never once faltered, to the man who has put his own wishes aside to stand by her. And I will be better.

I am a friend; a friend to some of the best people any lifetime could ever ask for. A friend to people who have shown up, help me up, and kept me going. 

Everywhere I have been, everyone I have met, every factor of every part of my past has brought me to this place and helped shape who I am and it is those factors that will lead me on from here, one day at a time. 

Everything above is part of me. There may be parts that are harder for me to look at but they all make me who I am. I am learning to accept that. I am learning to accept that the dark parts just make the brighter parts shine that much more. Yet, it is all just a part, because to sum up everything that us brought us to where we are would take us until the end of our days. 

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And on that note, I am going to end with this prompt, just because my brain feels like ending things a little more sunshiney. If you could take three months off from your current life and do anything in the world, what would you do? 

This one was pretty easy too, because just the other day I sent Babe a text that said... "Let's just be like Minnie and Mickey, move into Disney and forget the outside world." Typically he would respond with some, "you are crazy" type thing and I would be left to roll my eyes. But this time he responded with "I wish." So, I decided that was making progress and maybe I could make it happen someday. Anyways... I would totally do that. I would move into Disney for a month. Right into the castle. Live there and frolic in all of the "forget the world" Disney glory. Then, I would rent an RV and road trip the USA for the next two.  I know it isn't some big, grand, fantastical sounding plan. But it's mine and it's simple and right now simple is right where I would like to be.  

Saving Saturdays

This has not a lot to do with this post, except that I love her little face and it makes me happy, so I figured it was a good start. 

It's a Saturday. I haven't been here in forever and I have so very much missed this place. It is also September and when I saw Jenni's challenge, I thought, "Oh I so want to partake." And yet I knew, realistically, that it was just not going to happen. I was also hoping to stay on target with the Whatever Wednesday ladies. But life has done that thing is tends to do and has thrown curve ball after curve ball. And in the matter of a few weeks I went from working about 5 hours a week outside of the house, to over 50. Which leaves me with less time for this place. But sometimes life is funny like that because I realized, in the time that I have tried to spend on here when I can find it, my mind can still not let itself focus on writing about anything but my brother and some things are just not in the place (or maybe I am not in the place) that they should be for me to hit publish. I have written so much and left so much of it unfinished because I don't really seem to know how to put an end to things these days. 

It is funny to me how work has now become such a vital part of my moments. God knew that I would need the distraction. My days are so full it leaves less time (or no time) to focus on places my mind would go if it could. And then Saturday rolls around and I'm left with too much time. And so Saturday is going to be my 'here day'. Because last Saturday can not happen again. I started it off by deciding to watch one Harry Potter movie, which turned into three, which turned into not leaving the bed. The rest was probably needed for my body, but it was also painful for my heart and soul. I know my mind needs that time to process but for right now I am choosing to let work and people be my distraction, so that I do not end up with the covers over my head everyday of the week. Today wanted to follow suit but I am determined to focus elsewhere. 

And so I am going to work on keeping up with some of Blogtember and my Wednesday ladies, Shay and Alissa (who are actually taking somewhat of a hiatus to join in with Jenni so that makes my life slightly easier). The posts will be sporadic, they may be out of order, but I shall try. So, if you wish to continue keeping up, today may have a lot for you to peruse. I am posting twice in a day! Yes twice! Check back in a bit, if you wish, for my response to these prompts... 

From Tuesday, September 3- 

Describe where or what you come from. The people, the places, and/or the factors that make up who you are.

And from Wednesday, September 4: 

If you could take three months off from your current life and do anything in the world, what would you do? 

Taking Granted for Granted

Last wednesday's post topic left my mind somewhat reeling. After I got done, the list of the things I take (or took) for granted just kept running through my head at warp speed and growing larger with every second. And then I thought, "taking something for granted is a funny term." Everything I take for granted is something that had been granted to me. It wasn't something I was born with, it wasn't something I really worked very hard to get for myself or something I work very hard to keep. Then when it really came down to it I thought, my entire life is something I was granted, every last bit of it. Everything is something that God bestowed upon me for whatever purpose He had in His intentions for making it a part of my life.

I thought, "God grants us things and in that granting we are already taking those grants for granted."

How is it that the word granted has such opposite meanings. A grant is a gift. In the granting of something from one person to another we are given something... usually something precious, at least something that was/ is precious to the person granting it. Yet to take something for granted, we almost devalue its worth (basically like giving it back all while keeping ownership of it).  We take that thing or that person (even ourself) and in our own minds almost make it less than it is. We give is less of its original value. And it is not as if that thing ever really lost its value, it is still just as worthy as it always was, we just have to except it for what it really is. We have to value it for the true gift that is being given to us in the granting. Taking something for granted is like opening a gift, looking at it and then turning our head to something else that better captures our attention. It's as if we are a child whose toy is not shiny enough; like taking an antique and trading it in for a cheap, mass-produced product that could be found on any shelf, in any store.

I no longer want to live that way. I no longer want to take the things so lovingly and painstakingly granted to me for granted. I no longer want to use the word granted in terms of the "taking something for it" but in the "these are the things I've been" type of way. I want to give only one meaning to the word granted in my vocabulary. I know that is is not going to be easy... since Wednesday I have already found myself taking small things for granted. I have found myself feeling let down for the way life has unfolded recently. Yet, I have also realized how many times I have been able to stop in the past few weeks in awe because of things in my life that I had so easily over looked before.

So today I will start this new terminology by sharing... 

Ten things that I have been granted through this experience 

1.) An awe for people & their love for my brother/ family (more on this in a post I have been working on)

2.) A better and deeper relationship with a girl who will ALWAYS be considered my sister

3.) My youngest brothers return from Afghanistan and the time I have gotten to spend  with him

4.) Seeing the innocence of a child shine through in some of the most adult situations

5.) Seeing the kindness of strangers

6.) An affirmation of the meaning of friendship (I would be so lost without it)

7.) Memories

8.) A deeper respect for my father and the man he is (actually for all the men in my life for that matter)

9.) A chance to take a better look at myself 

10.) A greater understanding for circumstances and struggles and learning about life

What about you? Anything you have been granted through the hardships in your life?