I have never heard of The Chaos of Stars, I am not sure what kind of book it even is. But these words speak to me. The word chaos itself has always spoken to me, it was such a part of my life for so long. But then, the stillness came. The unmoving, calm of stillness that came in the form of a 5 ft 11 inch man. God knew I needed him. God knew that my lifetime, my wild soul, my wandering spirit needed him. It hasn't been easy; we were two kids (well more so me than him, I don't think he has every really been a kid) trying to navigate life as we morphed into adults while trying to also learn to work as a team. I won't lie, there were times when I asked myself "is this right? is this the place I am supposed to be?" But I know what those questions were, they were my own doubts of being able to make it through the tough stuff. I had always been one who liked to use the easy exit. When life gets tough I tend to revert into a world of my own, to fill my mind with outlandish fantasies in order to pull my head out of reality. I do what needs to get done to keep up the world around me, but inside I am somewhere else. And he is not much of a talker, not one to contemplate over crazy dreams. What he is is sturdy. He's the wall you lean your back against when you would otherwise just fall over. He is exactly the quiet peace I need.
I am a fire.
He is the fireplace containing my path of destruction.
I am the waves, pulled by the unseen force of the moon to the shore.
He is the shore, steady and unmoving,
Always catching me at my breaking point
and letting me beat against him when the storms kick in.
And so this marriage makes no hard and fast exits. It looks for no ramps off the interstate and even if it sees one in its peripheral vision, while driving through a bumpy patch, it keeps its eyes straight ahead. It heads toward the goal of a life long and well lived (God willing) until it can hold one weathered, wrinkled hand in another. It chooses to love life at its best and at it's worst, because that is exactly what marriage is. It is choosing someone not despite their faults, but because of them. It means choosing to love the messy counter tops because someone didn't put away their breakfast cereal (sorry Babe! I try). It means choosing to laugh when ones wife gets miffed that part of the salad ingredients are missing and so she storms out of the house to go get them rather than just eat the salad without them. It is the choice we make to try to be the best version of ourselves all the while knowing that when we fall short we will be loved anyway. He teaches me what choosing means. He teaches me that growing together as one, but also as individuals, can be a beautiful ride. He shows me that choosing to do even the most messy parts of life together is what this world is all about. For that I will always choose him.