Thursday, August 1, 2013

Where to go from here?


I had wanted to get on and post a recipe, to share in the swapping of yummy food.  That is the place my mind went, "I just want to care about food", but I am just not in a place yet to wrap my mind around writing anything other than what I am going through in my life right now. And I have not been in a place where I can focus on putting elements of a meal together.  Since beginning this blog it has always been a place I have shared how I felt in the moment. Right now the best recipe I can give, or hope to look for, is a recipe that gives me the ingredients on where to go from here.  I don't know what they are. I think for me it may start with admitting to myself that if I want to actually post something, this blog will have to look a little bit different than it did before.  I had hoped to keep up with these Whatever Wednesday posts because I so look forward to them.  I like to stick to things I start and in my mind every Wednesday I think "oh, I should post today" but there are going to be days where it may be like pulling teeth to stay on topic. I have loved the topics that Shay and Alissa have come up with and I don't want to throw a wrench into the plans, so if I don't make it back for a bit, I hope to pick up again soon.

 If you have been following and had chosen to stay for the quirky, random, spastic posts that often find their way on here then you may not find what you have found before, at least not for a couple of weeks.  I have written many different posts since last week. Some I have considered publishing, others I have almost completely discarded because of the mess of jumbled emotions that I do not even want to have to read back to myself.  I have used the blank slate of a computer screen to try to record my thoughts, to try to figure out what is going on in my head, and to try to process what it is that will actually let me feel something other than nothing. Then there have been things I have read through that had been written long before this blog came about, things that I wrote in many different phases of my family's (of my own) journey through addiction over the past ten+ years. Some of the words are hopeful, some sad, many angry. The angry ones only seem harsh now and I don't know what to do with them.  I think to myself, I can't share that with anyone. Though a logical part of my mind (or really a good friend who helps me think logically right now) knows anger is normal, but another part of me now can't even understand it. I'm sure it will come, I am sure I will feel angry for all of this too. Right now though I am still just trying to figure it out. I hope that you will bear with me while I explore that some.  I think for now I am going to consider posting some of what I have written on here, to share with others some of our story; the prior parts and the new ones. I had always planned on sharing more about that side of my life at some point anyways, I just never knew it would be due to what has now happened. I thought I had plenty of time to get around to it without feeling like I was bombarding the world with what addiction looks like from the outside in, when you have a front row seat to a show you wish you could walk out of. I hate the fact that it has to be told from this side of my brother's life now. I hate that he is not here to read what I shared.  I can remember asking him not long ago if he was fine with me sharing how I felt. He was always a very open person and so I knew he wouldn't mind but I wanted to know if there was anything he wanted me to leave out (his answer was no). I also remember his reaction after he had a chance to read that first post I shared on the subject. I wish now there had been more I shared with him; more of the hopeful parts anyways. I pray that when I share them here, or write them down privately for my own purposes, that they find their way to him so he knows just how much hope there was, so he knows how much I love him. 

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